Fake it till you make it???……

When I was growing up my mom knew everything. I cannot ever really remember a time that a situation arose that she didn’t know what to do. Granted there were a few times that she may have paused for a moment but then she had an answer. It seemed like once you became a mom you gained this amazing ability to solve the world’s problems.

When it came time to have children of my own (i.e. adoption), I was convinced that this ability was about to be bestowed upon me. People always tell you when it’s your kids you’ll know what to do. So, imagine my surprise when I awoke on the second morning of motherhood to realize I didn’t feel any smarter than the day before. So, here I am calling bullish*t on this notion that moms know everything. Somebody forgot to send me a handbook with these kids!

Even after a couple of years at this mom gig, I am seeing that there are many days I still feel as clueless as my childless days. So, what is one to do? Fake it till you make it? I mean, you can’t let the kids know that you don’t have superhuman abilities. Those little monsters are just waiting for a sign of weakness to pounce. They would eat you alive if they knew your secret. To all of the moms out there, listen when I tell you “do not let them see you sweat!” Keep calm and remember, they aren’t that smart at this age. It is easy to fool a kid. Let me give you some examples:

Dilemna one: Your kids are suddenly sick but not quite sick enough for the doctor so you think to yourself “I’ll save that 2 hour trip to the doctor and all the hundreds of dollars in meds and grab something OTC.” Genius right? Right…except for the fact that there seems to be not one medication that is available for a child under 6 and you happen to have a 4 & 5 year old. Your mom never had this issue. If you had an ailment, she had a cure.

Solution: My initial thought was panic. WTH do I do? I have 2 sick kids, coughing and whining and here I am having promised to “make it all better” and there isn’t one d*mn thing for them on this aisle. Then I reasoned that if it said consult your doctor or pharmacist then maybe I should try that. Simply ask the pharmacist and seriously, almost everything is fine to take at a lower dosage. So, simply half the 6 yr old dosage and voila, problem solved. Now who looks like a rockstar mom?! What!

Dilemna Two: So, you had the genius idea to make an appointment for family pics and then had the second all time smartest idea of curling your daughters hair the night before. Problem you ask? Well, you wake up the next morning and take those rollers out and those ARE NOT curls! That is not what Pinterest promised! Rather than a glorious headful of ringlets your daughter looks like a cancer survivor whose hair is growing back. Some spots are clumps of curls and others are just a matted mess.

Solution: Ok, so I almost let the girl see me sweat over this one. I literally almost cried. But then I realized that if I did this she would never trust me again to “try something out” on her. So, after trying to brush some of it out and realizing I was just making a bigger mess I say to her, “You know what? I know we said curls but I just remembered I bought this bow for you that is just perfect for your outfit. What do you say we just pull your hair up for pics?” And just like that I am on top again.

Dilemma three: Shoe shopping! You are in a shoe store and cannot find the guy that sizes feet and you are on limited time and need to get these shoes.

Solution: I remember my mom “feeling for my toe” and making me walk across the room 50 times and I am now convinced she had no d*mn idea either if those shoes fit me. But I have also learned that it is not an exact science. Go ahead and feel for the toe. Of course, you probably can’t tell at all if thats the actual toe you are touching or not and the kid will always say yes when asked so they aren’t any help. But also know that kids love to b*tch about things so if the shoe is hurting them they’ll be sure to tell you. And there is something to that walking across the room thing a hundred times (yes 100 for me because, again, I am not as good at this as my mom. A mere 50 walks would not suffice). For one, this gives the kid a chance to complain and, again, if they can find fault with the fit they’ll tell you. Also, it helps to make sure the shoe isn’t slipping on the foot. Lastly, remember that their feet grow like weeds so you’ll be right back doing this again soon.

There are many more that I could list here but I don’t want to sound like I am incompetent and you don’t have all day to read them. I mean, you do have to get back to being a superhero. Just remember, when all else fails, blame it on dad!