Fake it till you make it???……

When I was growing up my mom knew everything. I cannot ever really remember a time that a situation arose that she didn’t know what to do. Granted there were a few times that she may have paused for a moment but then she had an answer. It seemed like once you became a mom you gained this amazing ability to solve the world’s problems.

When it came time to have children of my own (i.e. adoption), I was convinced that this ability was about to be bestowed upon me. People always tell you when it’s your kids you’ll know what to do. So, imagine my surprise when I awoke on the second morning of motherhood to realize I didn’t feel any smarter than the day before. So, here I am calling bullish*t on this notion that moms know everything. Somebody forgot to send me a handbook with these kids!

Even after a couple of years at this mom gig, I am seeing that there are many days I still feel as clueless as my childless days. So, what is one to do? Fake it till you make it? I mean, you can’t let the kids know that you don’t have superhuman abilities. Those little monsters are just waiting for a sign of weakness to pounce. They would eat you alive if they knew your secret. To all of the moms out there, listen when I tell you “do not let them see you sweat!” Keep calm and remember, they aren’t that smart at this age. It is easy to fool a kid. Let me give you some examples:

Dilemna one: Your kids are suddenly sick but not quite sick enough for the doctor so you think to yourself “I’ll save that 2 hour trip to the doctor and all the hundreds of dollars in meds and grab something OTC.” Genius right? Right…except for the fact that there seems to be not one medication that is available for a child under 6 and you happen to have a 4 & 5 year old. Your mom never had this issue. If you had an ailment, she had a cure.

Solution: My initial thought was panic. WTH do I do? I have 2 sick kids, coughing and whining and here I am having promised to “make it all better” and there isn’t one d*mn thing for them on this aisle. Then I reasoned that if it said consult your doctor or pharmacist then maybe I should try that. Simply ask the pharmacist and seriously, almost everything is fine to take at a lower dosage. So, simply half the 6 yr old dosage and voila, problem solved. Now who looks like a rockstar mom?! What!

Dilemna Two: So, you had the genius idea to make an appointment for family pics and then had the second all time smartest idea of curling your daughters hair the night before. Problem you ask? Well, you wake up the next morning and take those rollers out and those ARE NOT curls! That is not what Pinterest promised! Rather than a glorious headful of ringlets your daughter looks like a cancer survivor whose hair is growing back. Some spots are clumps of curls and others are just a matted mess.

Solution: Ok, so I almost let the girl see me sweat over this one. I literally almost cried. But then I realized that if I did this she would never trust me again to “try something out” on her. So, after trying to brush some of it out and realizing I was just making a bigger mess I say to her, “You know what? I know we said curls but I just remembered I bought this bow for you that is just perfect for your outfit. What do you say we just pull your hair up for pics?” And just like that I am on top again.

Dilemma three: Shoe shopping! You are in a shoe store and cannot find the guy that sizes feet and you are on limited time and need to get these shoes.

Solution: I remember my mom “feeling for my toe” and making me walk across the room 50 times and I am now convinced she had no d*mn idea either if those shoes fit me. But I have also learned that it is not an exact science. Go ahead and feel for the toe. Of course, you probably can’t tell at all if thats the actual toe you are touching or not and the kid will always say yes when asked so they aren’t any help. But also know that kids love to b*tch about things so if the shoe is hurting them they’ll be sure to tell you. And there is something to that walking across the room thing a hundred times (yes 100 for me because, again, I am not as good at this as my mom. A mere 50 walks would not suffice). For one, this gives the kid a chance to complain and, again, if they can find fault with the fit they’ll tell you. Also, it helps to make sure the shoe isn’t slipping on the foot. Lastly, remember that their feet grow like weeds so you’ll be right back doing this again soon.

There are many more that I could list here but I don’t want to sound like I am incompetent and you don’t have all day to read them. I mean, you do have to get back to being a superhero. Just remember, when all else fails, blame it on dad!

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So Whose Kids are They?

If you ever sit down and read any news articles or listen to the news on television, you will see tons of kids out there committing crimes and just showing overall deviant behavior. The first question that usually comes to all our minds is “where are the parents?”

The thing is, most of the time the parents are right there. They spend day in and day out with their kids. The problem is that none of these parents want to believe their precious baby could possibly do such a thing. But isn’t everyone somebody’s child? Why can we not, as parents, just accept that our kids do things they shouldn’t? Why is it that almost every single time you hear the same old, “He/She fell in with a bad crowd.”

If all of these bad kids just fell in with the wrong crowd then whose kids are those? If nobody wants to believe their child capable of bad then who are these phantoms kids out there wreaking such havoc? Parents need to seriously wake up and understand that even though your children are these amazing little creatures that you created (or adopted) they are still capable of bad. Rather than just pass the blame onto “the bad crowd” lets take a stand and let our kids know that we will always be there for them but we will not cover up or make excuses for their actions.

Back when we thought we were poor

My husband and I were talking last night and it made me wonder something. In the quest to make sure our kids have more than we did are we bypassing some awesome memories?

Halloween is coming up and just like every year the kids have started giving us their list of costume ideas a month out. The first thing I said as they started spouting all the different characters was “Man, you kids are lucky because when we were kids we didn’t have all of those outfits. Or at least mommy didn’t. Unlike many kids around, we made our costumes.”

As nighttime set in though and I had some down time, I took a walk down memory lane and what I found was a little surprising. I didn’t feel upset and let down that I didn’t have those shiny costumes because what I had was much better. I now worry my kids may miss out on some of the best memories I have from childhood. Because when I think back on Halloween what I remember is thinking with my mom & dad and brothers about what we could be. We would all brainstorm and think of all the different clothes we had or what items we could share with each other to form that perfect look. I remember the giggling and laughing and excitement we all shared as we came up with that one perfect idea.

I remember my parents turning into MacGyver as they turned the simplest things into something scary or monster like for our big night. I remember getting our faces painted and how one of my brothers almost choked when they had to bite down on a blood capsule to get fake blood all over their face. And we never had the same thing as everyone else. We’d walk up to a door that would have 2 or 3 Ninja Turtles or princesses and fairies but there would never be two crazed zombie football players and their crazed zombie cheerleader sister. I don’t remember ever seeing another group of hobos that had their stick with their bandana sacks on the back or any of the other crazy things we came up with. 

What I remember is it being this huge production as we all got ready and made a night of it. And because our parents helped with everything the whole family got in on the excitement. It seems nowadays that we grab the first costume we see as we grocery shop in Walmart and call it good. On Halloween night, we dress the kids as fast as we can and just wait for them to get enough to be able to get back home to all the work we have waiting on us. What happened to the days when Halloween was an experience? A fun time for the whole family. We may have been “poor” as they say because we made our own costumes and didn’t spend a small fortune on a store bought one but I think what I got from it is worth more than gold. And this year, instead of those shiny store bought ones, you just might see my two in some thrift store clothing in a homemade costume. 

Things I don’t get

Here are some random things that I just do not get. Feel free to add yours.

– Why do people pull out in front of me to then go 20 mph? I mean, you clearly pulled out in front of me because you were in a hurry so why are you driving so d*mn slow?!!

– Why do people cheat? I mean seriously, any excuse you have that would be good enough for cheating should have been a good enough reason to just leave. How does cheating on someone fix the situation?

– Why in the h*ll do they sell hotdogs and hotdog buns in different amounts? Really, you think only a few of us will want buns? 

– Polygamy.. Let me just say, I couldn’t care less if someone has a hundred spouses. Not my issue, not my house, not my worry. However, there are two things about it that I just do not get. For one, how do you handle that many kids?  There is no way you can spend quality time with them all. I barely feel like I get quality time with my two some days. Secondly, how are you affording that many families? I watch one show on tv that has 4 families and these guys are living in some super nice houses and I can’t figure out how this one man is not just affording one nice home but 4!! Maybe he could give Dave Ramsey a run for his money on financial advice…Just saying

– Women always want equality but then b*tch if a man doesn’t hold her door open or leaves the toilet seat up? So, let me get this straight, you want equality until you aren’t treated special and then you get your itty bitty girly feelings hurt…that about right?

– Speaking of women, I don’t get women on the front lines. I know, I know, we are equal so we should be able to fight in war like a man…Bullsh*t! For one, we women are emotional. We don’t always make rational decisions in emotional situations. Secondly, as my husband always says, men will take greater risks when there is a woman involved. Sorry but when my husband was deployed, I would have hated for him to be killed because he tried to be some hero and save some little girl. And that leads me to my third issue with this. My husband is 6 feet, 200 lbs so how exactly is some small girl going to carry him if he were to get shot? yeah….I didn’t think so.

– Why can’t anything healthy taste good? Really, there isn’t one d*mn vegetable that doesn’t taste like a$$? We can send a guy to the moon and can’t invent a pizza flavored veggie?!

– Teva sandals..they are just ugly

Stay tuned as I am sure I’ll be perplexed soon with more things that I just don’t get….

Are we doing our sons a disservice?

A couple of days ago I was watching a story about a girl that had been raped. Now, let me say up front (as if this needs saying) that I do not condone rape. I think when a women says no, that should be the end of it. However, in the case in question, I was very disturbed by something.

Both the girl & the guy involved state they were both highly intoxicated. They had both downed several shots of alcohol within half an hour, with the boy downing twice to three times the amount of the girl. The part that disturbed me so much was how everyone ganged up on this guy so badly for the fact that he had sex with someone who was so intoxicated.

The argument from most was that if she had drank that much she was clearly impaired and not able to give consent. I do agree that when you drink to excess you lose your ability to consent to things. However, my question is this: why do we hold our boys to such a higher standard than our girls? It just seems unfair to me to say that this teenage girl was impaired and therefore taken advantage of because she drank so much but the boy was completely in control of his faculties. If we are saying that girls are absolutely out of control of their actions once they are drunk then why do we expect these boys to be 100% in control?

I have two young children and it scares me daily to think of all of the things we have to worry about as they get older. I may be biased but I think my Phia is a beautiful girl. I can imagine she will attract much attention as she gets older & this worries me to death. I want to make sure I teach her about not getting herself into bad situations and how alcohol can be hazardous. It saddens me though to think that I also have to worry about my son being held to a much higher standard than her.

It is like saying that if they both got into similar incidences that he would be an animal that took advantage of someone’s baby girl but she would be a poor victim. Wouldn’t they both have been making horrible choices and putting themselves into a bad situation? However, wouldn’t they both be impaired in this scenario? All I am saying is that it saddens me to think that in situations such as this you may have a young boy who is so drunk he misreads signals and he is so impaired he is thinking she is as into him as he is her. Then later she realizes she had sex while drunk and would never have done the same sober and automatically he is guilty of rape. Why? Couldn’t this as easily be something he wouldn’t have done sober either? Couldn’t it simply be that they both made bad choices and got themselves into something neither should have let happen?

What is this saying about our girls? Why can’t we hold them to as high a standard? Do we think so little of them? Do we think they aren’t as smart or able to take care of themselves? It seems somehow oppressive to think so little of our girls that they are automatically the only victim.

I’d love to hear know what you think….

Allow me to learn you

When you are raised in the South you know that there are preconceived notions about you. I am here to tell you that, although many of those are based on fact, there is a difference between a redneck and a southern belle/gentleman.

The rednecks are the ones you automatically think of when you see a map of Alabama or Mississippi. They are usually the first to be interviewed when the news broadcasts a story & will most likely be wearing a “wife beater” (we’ll get to that in a minute) or driving a truck that has what looks to be male genitalia hanging from a trailer hitch. This is the type of person from the South that make the rest of us look bad. They have mullets, missing teeth, horrible grammar & are just overall the stereotype.

Then you have your southern belles and gentleman. These are the people proud to be from the South but not above being educated on other places & things. They have manners, are nice to their mamas, wave at their neighbors & will “pray for you” if they hear you are having a bad time.

I like to think of myself as falling into this second group. 🙂

I love being from the South. I don’t mind that people call me Reba & I use ya’ll daily. I was raised to respect my elders, say yes ma’am and no ma’am, be gracious to strangers and always lend a helping hand. I love football, country music & lightnin bugs. However, I do know some people don’t quite understand us down here so I thought I’d give you a little lesson.

* Learn you – personally I don’t use this one but my daddy does. It means to teach you something.

* Deddy – speaking of my daddy, in the South you might just hear this pronounced deddy

* Well, bless your heart – don’t be fooled by this one. We don’t literally mean bless your heart. This is more the polite way of saying “wow, you poor dumba$$”

* Fixin to – this means you are about to do something.

* wife beater – (thought I forgot didn’t you?) this refers to a plain white tank top. How this came to be known as this is anybody’s guess.

* G’s – none of our words end in G. I don’t know why but most of us leave off the G at the end of words. For instance: sayin, walkin, talkin, runnin, ridin… you get the idea

* Tea – here all tea is sweet so only those not from here feel the need to say “sweet” tea

* Buggy – otherwise known as a shopping cart

* Dumb as a box of rocks or IQ of a Lima Bean – our way of saying someone’s elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor. (like what I did there right?)

* The bigger the bow, the better the mama – here in the South, we believe in big bows. You won’t see many girls on school picture day without 1/2 her head covered by a hair bow & if you do you automatically assume her deddy dressed her.

 

I know there are many, many more but I am fixin to go do some sewing so that is all for now. Feel free to reply below with some of your favorites.

Not all rules are made to be broken

Since when did we stop following any type of rules? I get why my kids have issues sometimes (they are 4 & 5) but what is with the adults around me? When did people become so above listening and doing what they are supposed to? Or are we just breeding dumber and dumber kids these days that they grow into morons?  Let me give some examples:

* I have an etsy shop for children’s clothing. It clearly states in the description that you need to order an add-on if you have a larger size as we charge for the extra fabric and time. How many messages do you think I get a day though asking “can you do this in a size ____?” No genius, we just threw that in to screw with you!

* My daughter does gymnastics and baton after school during the week. We, as parents, have been sent several memos that state to wait outside until they bring the kids out for you to sign for them in the afternoon. BUT, every.single.day. you have some ignorant parent (mind you, who is watching everyone else stand and wait) start banging on the doors to get someone to let them in. What are they not getting about WAIT OUTSIDE?!!!

* Traffic laws…Omg, I could go on all day about the sh*tty drivers in this state but for the sake of time we’ll only discuss a couple of things. Why do stop signs seem to whip a person’s a$$ so bad? I don’t need you to wave me through ahead of you. I just need you to FOLLOW THE D*MN LAWS! People think they are being nice but they aren’t. They are simply screwing up the flow of traffic. Secondly, we have speed limit signs for a reason! They are not merely a suggestion. I cannot, for the life of me, figure out how the idiots on my road cannot do the 55mph posted but you let them get in a school zone and they will run someone down.

* Speaking of schools and traffic, what is so hard about the car line that confuses so many? The signs clearly state not to drop off before a certain point and we have gotten several messages about letting your kids out in a timely manner. Yet, almost daily you have some parent getting out and having a love fest with their little baby before they can bear to let them go for 8 whole hours. Or you have the smart one that lets out early and messes up the entire line they have going. Just follow the rules people! It’s not brain surgery…geez!

I could probably go on for days but you get the point. Please do your part and pay attention and for the love of everything holy, please raise smarter children. We don’t need yet another generation of morons…..

My Truths

You don’t have to agree with them, and many won’t, but these are a few of my personal truths. If you are in a sharing mood, click in the “leave a reply” box and tell me about some of yours:

* There is nothing cuter in the world than toddler feet. I can be completely fed up with my two & then notice those little baby feet & I just melt.

* Speaking of kids: children are mini bipolar patients. They can be crying one minute & deliriously happy the next. Some days it is hard to keep up.

* I hate when my doorbell rings midday. The dogs lose it, the boy wakes up from nap…its just a nightmare.

* I don’t like many women. Women make everything a competition. Can’t we just be friends without you trying to gauge whether or not my wedding ring is bigger or whose kid started walking first?

* I get sick of worrying about weight. I like working to be healthy but some days I just want to be fat and eat my chocolate without being judged.

* Other than my own, I am not a kid person. Children are too slow on the take for me. They don’t get sarcasm or puns or half the jokes I tell…(ok, maybe I’m just not as funny as I think I am but still)

* Most “christians” are fake. Don’t preach to me about God and then let me see you posting about your drunken weekend with your “homies”

* Most babies are not cute & they look like nobody to me. I always hear people say things like “oh, he has your nose” when a baby is born. Pulease, kid looks like a wrinkly prune. You can’t tell anything by that 1 day old face.

* I think (with the exception of a couple or two I know) that everyone needs a starter marriage. HOWEVER, I don’t think people should reproduce until their second. Exes suck with a capital S.

* People are usually who they show you they are; some people just don’t want to really see it.

and finally…..

You can’t make a ho a housewife as the song says. If someone will cheat WITH you, they’ll cheat ON you.
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You are a bad*ss!

This is my new mantra…

I don’t know about you but I sometimes get flack (that’s a word right?) for being me. Maybe I wasn’t hugged enough as child or maybe I am just a nut job. Either way, this is me and I am learning to be ok with that.

Recently I had some people tell me I am an aggressive person; that I could be more tactful and try to not be so blunt with people. I spent a few days (ok weeks) in a funk, feeling horribly self conscious, wondering if I was just a b*tch that people thought about this way. Was I mean to people? Did I really need to speak more softly and try to be nicer?

But then one day it hit me, I can’t be something I’m not. I sometimes admire those around me that can stay calm in all situations. I love that I have a sister-in-law that is the sweetest thing since apple pie. I often wish I were more like that but I’m not.

Now, I’m not saying I am a mean person. I would like to think I am one of the most caring people out there. A lot of people don’t even realize I ran a fundraiser to donate to a local no kill shelter that was about to close their doors and another to help fund a house for a disabled boy and his grandmother to help build them a new home. I have volunteered hours to a local battered women’s shelter. I give money to several groups I believe in. I could go on but my point is that I would like to think I am a very nice person even though I don’t feel the need to always tell people all of the nice things I do.

However, I do cuss like a sailor. I often speak my mind and it is not always what people want to hear. I speak often of those I want to throat punch or front kick to the face. But one thing you never have to worry about with me is where you stand. You never have to worry I am just pretending to be your friend. If I don’t like you, you’ll pretty much know that. When I have something to say, I say it. Maybe I don’t have the most tact in the world but I’m not constantly having to whine about not getting what I want because I speak out. And speaking of whining, please know, if you whine to me about your situation and you are bringing it on yourself, I am probably going to tell you that. Don’t call me complaining you have no money and then go on a family vacation. If you were that d*mn broke you should have stayed at home. Or even worse, whine about no money when you stay home. Get a job if you are so tired of being broke!

I am not a big hugger or touchy/feely type person. I do try to work on this because I want to show my husband and children love and affection but I will never be one of those people that walk up and hug you when you enter a room. I just don’t like people in my space. I love my husband more than life itself but he will always be more outwardly affectionate than I am. That is just the way I was built.

Don’t patronize me or talk down to me. You may find yourself on the receiving end of my kindergartener sized fist. (And they say I’m aggressive..pppffssttt!!)

Just because I don’t act all dainty and bow down to others though doesn’t make me a bad person. That doesn’t make me less feminine. My favorite color is still pink. I love me some high heels and dresses and diamonds are always this girl’s best friend. I’m just no whiny feminist. I don’t b*tch about men not leaving the toilet seat down. Hell, maybe we should be putting the seat UP for them! Ever think of that?

What I’m trying to say is, be yourself. Embrace the person that you are. Maybe you are an acquired taste but so what? Uniqueness is lacking in today’s world. Everyone wants to be like somebody else. Even the “loners” all dress alike. They all swear they are original but act the same exact way as every other sullen loner around. Don’t try to change for others. Be the person you were meant to be and find the people that like that version of you.

What’s with the labels?

MombieI waited until I was 30 to have kids (which I hear is becoming more prevalent.) Add to that the fact that I have a ton of friends that are still childless & this puts me in a really weird place. Half of my friends have teenagers now because they had their kids in their late teens/early twenties and then the other half can’t even understand having children. Somehow this seems to make everyone around me want to label me.

Those with teens want to either give me constant advice on how to dodge the PTO & how not to get sucked into making lunches and going on field trips or they want to tell me all the special things they were involved in with their kids and how I MUST do them!!!

The childless friends beg me not to become a “mombie” & wonder how anyone could want to talk about their child or, heaven forbid, post pictures of them. (What the hell am I thinking right?…)

And so begins the constantly being labeled…

I just don’t understand why people can’t accept that some moms are a little of both. No, I do not want to talk about my kids nonstop and honestly love having adult conversations that don’t even require them being mentioned. However, I do have two kids and, I have to tell you, I think they are pretty bada$$. I don’t ever want to lose my identity and become just a mom but at the same time, I am proud to have my babies. They are two of the most important people in my life.

Do I think going on every field trip and being the class mom sounds fun? H*ll no! I can’t imagine being able to hold my tongue without screaming at that many kids for eight hours. I am sure by day’s end I’d have half the class crying. But, I love making my daughter’s lunch. I love that she comes home almost daily all excited and happy because her friends oohed and aahed over the outfit her mom made her. Do I want to be a stay at home mom forever? Omg no! I would lose my mind staying here every day forever but I sure am enjoying it while they are little.

I make sure to take daily pics of my kids so I can see how they are growing throughout the year and I am forever pinning ideas on Pinterest for creative things to do with them. However, I don’t play with my kids 24/7; they have to learn to entertain themselves sometimes. I don’t know the words to every cartoon theme song (I would off myself if this ever happened) and I don’t play kidz bop tunes in the car.

When I decided to have kids I knew I never wanted to give up being me but I wanted a new me. We all evolve over our lives. Once my kids came along some things had to change. Instead of all nighters listening to live bands downing margaritas, it is now having wine after the kids are in bed. Instead of sleeping in on weekends till noon, its now getting up at 7:00 to make sure the kids don’t tear down the house. Rather than blaring rap music in the car (which my husband is thankful for), its now country or oldies. I can’t pick up at the drop of a hat and run off to an event if a friend calls last minute but I do have weekends full of making memories. I may not be able to make every sports game if I don’t have a sitter but sure did get a kick out of watching my son at his first soccer practice pull down his pants and proceed to pee midfield. I can’t run off to go dancing when the mood hits me but I get to watch my little girl all dressed up, dancing in her first recital.

We all change as we age, some of us in different ways. I definitely did not become a mombie but if you can’t handle hearing about kids you probably shouldn’t follow my posts. You won’t see me wearing mom jeans and speaking baby talk to my kindergartener but you just might see me at the next PTO meeting or helping at a local car wash for my kids’ sports teams.  My point is that I am just myself and I live the kind of life that works for me and my family. You don’t have to agree with every thing I do and I don’t expect that you will have the same kind of lifestyle. However, don’t judge me, don’t question me and surely don’t label me. I can assure you, whatever label you want to hand out won’t fit. I am a million different things, none of which would fit into a mold. Who knows, maybe this is what today’s mom looks like….